The Daily Musings

the new place is

http://www.livejournal.com/users/boywonder13/

I received this e-mail from one of my friends. I think it is one of the best e-mails I have ever received and it put alot of things in perspective...

Hello Robert,
>
> I was thinking about you last night, what you told me, your fear, and
> something came to my mind that didn't come when we were together. It's
> something Dr.Phil says often about trust. And I think it is wise, and made
> a lot of sense.
>
> Dr.Phil says...... Trust isn't about the other, it is about yourself. You
> have to trust that you are capable to deal with everything that will
> happen... especially bad things. That you are strong and ressourceful
> enough to get through.
>
> In your case, regaining your trust in Craig isn't about him, but about
> your confidence to deal with everything that will happen, and that you
> can't predict right now. You have to be convince that even if Craig hurts
> you again, you will get through. You have no control on what Craig will
> do. You have only control on yourself, on how you will deal and solve any
> problem that will come your way concerning Craig.
>
> It is not easy, because he really hurted you, and you want to protect
> yourself against another blow. But you will never be able to repair your
> relationship with him if you don't regain this trust. You love him, and
> you decided to give him a second chance. That's the only way it will work.
> Because it doesn't matter how many times he will say to you that he is
> sorry, how many times he will prove to you that he is now serious about
> the commitment, if you don't regain this trust in yourself, it will never
> be enough.
>
> Personally, I know how vulnerable you are, but I also know how resourceful
> you are. And you will never be alone in this.. you have your family, your
> other friends, and me. I'm always there for you. If you need to talk, I'm
> an opened MSN or a 10 telephone numbers away.
>
> Love you!
> Monique

This is spooky. Was I forshadowing something?



The Daily Musings: January 2005: "I've been having these horrible dreams about Craig. That I am in his arms and I ask him 'Why are you leaving me?' and he says 'Because you're wrong' I have another dream that he went out with my friend and betrayed me. Don't get me wrong. It was the right thing to do. I can't believe how selfish he is and how he only thinks about himself. "

Fear.
It paralyzes you.
It keeps you from moving forward.
Trust.
It moves you.
It helps you move forward.
Honesty
It helps intimacy
It brings peace of mind.

I am so deathly afraid that Craig will hurt me. I am building up these walls .... what will the future bring between us? I just got to stop this obsessing....it is making me sick. It is making me stop living my own life.

So here I am 2 weeks later trying desperately to crunch what happened in the past two weeks.
Craig came to Montreal two weeks ago. It didn't start off too well. He unloaded a bunch of things that were happening to him back in England. Dropped a bombshell...he slept with his best friend Lucy's boyfriend who is apparently bi. She doesn't know. He is living in a very unhealthy enviornment which still worries me. I told him to tell as few people as possible because it will come back to haunt him. He got involved with a guy who was raped when he was younger. Apparently, he liked him but I don't really give a shit about that. SO after I broke up with him in January he seemed to have spiraled down.
I began e-mailing him in March as you people have read. I told him deal what he has to and come back to me when he is finished. About a week before May he suddenly came online on MSN Messenger and began talking about what happened. He said to me what I was doing for 2 weeks? He said he wanted to come visit me....I was stunned.
So May 1st came and there was Craig. We hugged, it felt weird seeing him. I was feeling a flood of emotions. Love, anger, hope, dread, saddness, joy....I think I felt every emotion in that moment. We later met up with my friend Colin and had a beer at Cheers. Then the floodgates open. It was confession time. My poor friend Colin sat in the corner while both of us were exchanging barbes at each other. It was actually very healthy because I felt better afterwards, except for the sleeping with his best friend's boyfriend part that kept on creeping up on me.
The apparent thing was though.....there was still something there.
Over the week, we discussed things. Well, I discussed things alot. I had to put that Lucy thing behind me and I told him that he was living in a very unhealthy enviornment, the loonybin. While I don't think so much his roomates are, his unhealthy relationship with his best friend seems loony. What the fuck was he thinking?????? So I told him what I thought, didn't think he liked it but somebody had to say it! You just don't do that to people you love. Craig is a very impulsive guy. He is not a bad guy in the least despite what he has done. Craig lives in the moment. It is a very young thing to do. I am older than him so I have to give allowances for that kind of behavior even though this was very shitty behavior...
I had to let it go. The old feelings were back. It was as if he never left. It was apparent that we were worth saving. So I told Craig that I needed a commitment from him. I needed for him to say to me at the end of the day he will be coming back here to make a life for both of us, which he not disagree with and I also asked him that he needed to be loyal to me. In a long distance relationship you have to give total trust to the other person. I am distrustful by nature so that was alot to give.
I regret being so tense but after all what happened how could he blame me?
Things did go well though. They are good signs he did come over to Canada to fix us. He did give me all I wanted.....so thus continues our love story. If we can survive this then we can survive anything. I love Craig, I think I always have. Time will tell but what a time we will have :)

I know I haven't written. Will write soon.

Craig is coming to Montreal to visit me for two weeks.

Details TBA

I was an awkward teen. I was probably the nerd people picked on. I got fat between 11-16 and it is never a pretty sight when you get fat in high school. I was picked on. My good friends were Greg and Andrew. One day we were at one of his friend's house and Andrew's friend Patrick came over as well and showed his father's gun. He was pointing it around and went outside with Greg. He cocked the gun and pointed it to me, but I left the room and Andrew was there and I entered back into the room just as soon the bullet went through the window and into Andrew's head. Patrick didn't realize that there was any bullets in his father's gun but there it was in my friend's head, blood everywhere. I went into shock and couldn't utter a word while my friend's mom literally carried me out of the room. It took me years to get over that. I had survivors guilt for many years. I don't know why Andy died and I got to live...
Two weeks after my 15th birthday my dad had a massive stroke and died. The irony of that was that my sister and brother were playing the game of Life. My dad went upstairs to do the dishes and my mom heard a voice upstairs ... we rushed upstairs and my sister was giving mouth to mouth until the ambulance came. I prayed to God that night for him to be ok. Two hours later my mom came home with a look in her eyes, she hugged me and said "He's gone Bobby, Cry" I will never forget that moment. It is etched in my memory forever. I, however, did not cry I kept it in for months until one day I cried and cried and cried and seemed that I couldn't stop.
Several years went by and my mom, probably because of the stress of my dad, discovered she had bladder cancer. My mother spent the month of December 1988 in the hospital leaving only for christmas. The funny thing about being young is that you are ignorant of all the things that could go wrong. I had no doubt in my mind that she would be ok. She was in the stage 3, they are 4 stages in cancer. The doctors later said that she still had some cancer cells and wanted her to have chemiotherapy and radiation that would either make her kidney's fail or go blind. She had a second opinion and the next doctor said that when you cut something it is with a hot knife and it kills the cells. That was 17 years ago...and she is still around.
I am not saying that I had only bad moments. I had alot of good ones in the 80's. I never realized how strong I can be. I have few friends, I think because I am scared to get close and they disapear or something happens to them, that is something I am still working on. I know more than anybody that life is short...don't waste it.
By the decade was out, I had these feelings for guys....the next decade that followed had alot of boys, boys, boys!

After two weeks of wondering when I will get that e-mail, tourturing myself...I had fucken enough....He obviously used me this whole entire time....here is the e-mail...

Do you really think it's fair to dangle me like a string for your amusement, Craig?
If you thought anything of me, you would of tried to atleast repair us. To try to make me feel like I haven't wasted 10 months of my life on somebody who thinks about only himself. Is that e-mail coming the same way as your birthday gift, Craig? Heck, you never made an effort in our relationship, why should I be surprised you never made an effort afterwards? To atleast give me the peace of mind knowing that I was loved, cared for and thought of.
I am so angry with you. I know writing in anger is wrong but I have been SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucken patient with you. It goes beyond reason.
I have to have some respect for myself not to be your doormat. I waited 10 months plus on what you will decide about us but no more. I will NOT contact you again, Craig. If you contact me it better be a VERY good apology, lord knows I deserve it. I don't think ANY of my ex's have ever been so disrespectful and hurtful.

Thanks and Good Luck to whatever. Oh, now Craig doesn't have to write that e-mail, happy now?

ROB