The Daily Musings

Going Away

2005-05-29T19:40:00.000-04:00

the new place is

http://www.livejournal.com/users/boywonder13/

From a dear friend...

2005-05-23T05:16:00.000-04:00

I received this e-mail from one of my friends. I think it is one of the best e-mails I have ever received and it put alot of things in perspective...

Hello Robert,
>
> I was thinking about you last night, what you told me, your fear, and
> something came to my mind that didn't come when we were together. It's
> something Dr.Phil says often about trust. And I think it is wise, and made
> a lot of sense.
>
> Dr.Phil says...... Trust isn't about the other, it is about yourself. You
> have to trust that you are capable to deal with everything that will
> happen... especially bad things. That you are strong and ressourceful
> enough to get through.
>
> In your case, regaining your trust in Craig isn't about him, but about
> your confidence to deal with everything that will happen, and that you
> can't predict right now. You have to be convince that even if Craig hurts
> you again, you will get through. You have no control on what Craig will
> do. You have only control on yourself, on how you will deal and solve any
> problem that will come your way concerning Craig.
>
> It is not easy, because he really hurted you, and you want to protect
> yourself against another blow. But you will never be able to repair your
> relationship with him if you don't regain this trust. You love him, and
> you decided to give him a second chance. That's the only way it will work.
> Because it doesn't matter how many times he will say to you that he is
> sorry, how many times he will prove to you that he is now serious about
> the commitment, if you don't regain this trust in yourself, it will never
> be enough.
>
> Personally, I know how vulnerable you are, but I also know how resourceful
> you are. And you will never be alone in this.. you have your family, your
> other friends, and me. I'm always there for you. If you need to talk, I'm
> an opened MSN or a 10 telephone numbers away.
>
> Love you!
> Monique

YIKES!

2005-05-21T22:09:00.000-04:00

This is spooky. Was I forshadowing something?

The Daily Musings: January 2005: "I've been having these horrible dreams about Craig. That I am in his arms and I ask him 'Why are you leaving me?' and he says 'Because you're wrong' I have another dream that he went out with my friend and betrayed me. Don't get me wrong. It was the right thing to do. I can't believe how selfish he is and how he only thinks about himself. "

I guess I need you baby

2005-05-21T22:01:00.000-04:00

Fear.
It paralyzes you.
It keeps you from moving forward.
Trust.
It moves you.
It helps you move forward.
Honesty
It helps intimacy
It brings peace of mind.

I am so deathly afraid that Craig will hurt me. I am building up these walls .... what will the future bring between us? I just got to stop this obsessing....it is making me sick. It is making me stop living my own life.

The Turning Point

2005-05-18T10:32:00.000-04:00

So here I am 2 weeks later trying desperately to crunch what happened in the past two weeks.
Craig came to Montreal two weeks ago. It didn't start off too well. He unloaded a bunch of things that were happening to him back in England. Dropped a bombshell...he slept with his best friend Lucy's boyfriend who is apparently bi. She doesn't know. He is living in a very unhealthy enviornment which still worries me. I told him to tell as few people as possible because it will come back to haunt him. He got involved with a guy who was raped when he was younger. Apparently, he liked him but I don't really give a shit about that. SO after I broke up with him in January he seemed to have spiraled down.
I began e-mailing him in March as you people have read. I told him deal what he has to and come back to me when he is finished. About a week before May he suddenly came online on MSN Messenger and began talking about what happened. He said to me what I was doing for 2 weeks? He said he wanted to come visit me....I was stunned.
So May 1st came and there was Craig. We hugged, it felt weird seeing him. I was feeling a flood of emotions. Love, anger, hope, dread, saddness, joy....I think I felt every emotion in that moment. We later met up with my friend Colin and had a beer at Cheers. Then the floodgates open. It was confession time. My poor friend Colin sat in the corner while both of us were exchanging barbes at each other. It was actually very healthy because I felt better afterwards, except for the sleeping with his best friend's boyfriend part that kept on creeping up on me.
The apparent thing was though.....there was still something there.
Over the week, we discussed things. Well, I discussed things alot. I had to put that Lucy thing behind me and I told him that he was living in a very unhealthy enviornment, the loonybin. While I don't think so much his roomates are, his unhealthy relationship with his best friend seems loony. What the fuck was he thinking?????? So I told him what I thought, didn't think he liked it but somebody had to say it! You just don't do that to people you love. Craig is a very impulsive guy. He is not a bad guy in the least despite what he has done. Craig lives in the moment. It is a very young thing to do. I am older than him so I have to give allowances for that kind of behavior even though this was very shitty behavior...
I had to let it go. The old feelings were back. It was as if he never left. It was apparent that we were worth saving. So I told Craig that I needed a commitment from him. I needed for him to say to me at the end of the day he will be coming back here to make a life for both of us, which he not disagree with and I also asked him that he needed to be loyal to me. In a long distance relationship you have to give total trust to the other person. I am distrustful by nature so that was alot to give.
I regret being so tense but after all what happened how could he blame me?
Things did go well though. They are good signs he did come over to Canada to fix us. He did give me all I wanted.....so thus continues our love story. If we can survive this then we can survive anything. I love Craig, I think I always have. Time will tell but what a time we will have :)

Testing Testing

2005-04-27T08:10:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't written. Will write soon.

Craig is coming to Montreal to visit me for two weeks.

Details TBA

This teenage boy's life

2005-04-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

I was an awkward teen. I was probably the nerd people picked on. I got fat between 11-16 and it is never a pretty sight when you get fat in high school. I was picked on. My good friends were Greg and Andrew. One day we were at one of his friend's house and Andrew's friend Patrick came over as well and showed his father's gun. He was pointing it around and went outside with Greg. He cocked the gun and pointed it to me, but I left the room and Andrew was there and I entered back into the room just as soon the bullet went through the window and into Andrew's head. Patrick didn't realize that there was any bullets in his father's gun but there it was in my friend's head, blood everywhere. I went into shock and couldn't utter a word while my friend's mom literally carried me out of the room. It took me years to get over that. I had survivors guilt for many years. I don't know why Andy died and I got to live...
Two weeks after my 15th birthday my dad had a massive stroke and died. The irony of that was that my sister and brother were playing the game of Life. My dad went upstairs to do the dishes and my mom heard a voice upstairs ... we rushed upstairs and my sister was giving mouth to mouth until the ambulance came. I prayed to God that night for him to be ok. Two hours later my mom came home with a look in her eyes, she hugged me and said "He's gone Bobby, Cry" I will never forget that moment. It is etched in my memory forever. I, however, did not cry I kept it in for months until one day I cried and cried and cried and seemed that I couldn't stop.
Several years went by and my mom, probably because of the stress of my dad, discovered she had bladder cancer. My mother spent the month of December 1988 in the hospital leaving only for christmas. The funny thing about being young is that you are ignorant of all the things that could go wrong. I had no doubt in my mind that she would be ok. She was in the stage 3, they are 4 stages in cancer. The doctors later said that she still had some cancer cells and wanted her to have chemiotherapy and radiation that would either make her kidney's fail or go blind. She had a second opinion and the next doctor said that when you cut something it is with a hot knife and it kills the cells. That was 17 years ago...and she is still around.
I am not saying that I had only bad moments. I had alot of good ones in the 80's. I never realized how strong I can be. I have few friends, I think because I am scared to get close and they disapear or something happens to them, that is something I am still working on. I know more than anybody that life is short...don't waste it.
By the decade was out, I had these feelings for guys....the next decade that followed had alot of boys, boys, boys!

The Final "Fuck Off"

2005-04-03T14:07:00.000-04:00

After two weeks of wondering when I will get that e-mail, tourturing myself...I had fucken enough....He obviously used me this whole entire time....here is the e-mail...

Do you really think it's fair to dangle me like a string for your amusement, Craig?
If you thought anything of me, you would of tried to atleast repair us. To try to make me feel like I haven't wasted 10 months of my life on somebody who thinks about only himself. Is that e-mail coming the same way as your birthday gift, Craig? Heck, you never made an effort in our relationship, why should I be surprised you never made an effort afterwards? To atleast give me the peace of mind knowing that I was loved, cared for and thought of.
I am so angry with you. I know writing in anger is wrong but I have been SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucken patient with you. It goes beyond reason.
I have to have some respect for myself not to be your doormat. I waited 10 months plus on what you will decide about us but no more. I will NOT contact you again, Craig. If you contact me it better be a VERY good apology, lord knows I deserve it. I don't think ANY of my ex's have ever been so disrespectful and hurtful.

Thanks and Good Luck to whatever. Oh, now Craig doesn't have to write that e-mail, happy now?

ROB

2005-03-30T08:27:00.000-05:00

This Boy's life

2005-03-30T08:26:00.000-05:00

This Boy's life

This Boy's Life

2005-03-30T08:21:00.000-05:00

I have two brothers named Peter and Terry and two sisters named Anne and Pamela. My childhood consisted of two extra fathers and mothers. I was in my own imaginary world. For some reason, I was afraid of men. I wouldn't go near them and I always would play in sight of my mother. I had a great imagination. I could play for hours without any other children. I could write my name at the age of 3. Then something happened. My brother got a divorced from a woman who was schizophrenic. She used to leave her children (ages 6 months and 3 years old) home at night while my brother was working and go to night clubs. He moved in along with the children with my mom and dad. It would change everybody's life in someway. My mom who was almost 50 at the time had to take care of three children who were under 5. So like any other traumatized kid, I took refuge in television with such shows as Wonder Woman, Laverne and Shirley and some god forsaken reason a show called Alice. Saturday cartoons were my life. Meanwhile, my brother moved out with the children to a duplex next to us. I was also an active kid or I could say clumbsy I broke my arm twice. I could run like the wind as the school bullies could attest to. As I reached 10 we were moving uptown to a house(from a duplex) The next decade that followed would be the most traumatic of my life including a parent's death, cancer, watching a friend get shot in the head and discovering that I was gay....

2005-03-28T19:03:00.000-05:00

This Baby's life

This Baby's Life

2005-03-28T18:51:00.000-05:00

I was born to Molly and Richard, November 13th, 1970. I was 4 pounds 8onzes. I was born small with a small hole in my heart. The doctors said I was a fighter and by the first week I was out of the hospital. I was the big surprise as my mom was 45 at the time. My mom said I was a good baby. I liked to smile and could easily amuse myself. My brothers and sisters were much older than me at the time. I suppose I was the novelty. The only thing I remember from those days is that I went to pet the cat and the cat attacked me. I was highly alergic to cats at the time so he had to go. Funny, 34 years later I am not alergic anymore. I had a life of promise. Things were about to get more interesting...

The Skinny on Craig

2005-03-28T17:17:00.000-05:00

This is an email I sent to him

Dear Craig,

I know I will not get a "closure" from you. This e-mail whether it makes it to you or not, doesn't matter. This is my "closure".
When we both got together at the beginning, it was a surprise. The kind of surprise that comes a couple of times in life. I would of been just as glad to be your friend. You are the type of person, personality wise, that I always liked. Open minded, fun and passionate. I was kind of weary of your age but that be damned. Like everything I do in my life, I go in with an open heart and an open mind. At first, truth be told. It was for the sex. I never had such great sex with somebody in my life. It was as if we knew how to turn each other on. Then as I got to know you, the more I liked you. It turned to love. You have such a great heart when you show it, when you learn to trust it. I think you were taught to keep everything in but on my watch you were more open with your feelings. I think now you have reverted back to the way you were taught. When you open up though, be generous with your heart. You are at your most appealing. It was the sex that caught me, your heart that kept me.
Craig, I think you are a good guy. I probably put you on a higher pedestal that I would with my friends. My threshold of pain is less with you. You could hurt me more than say a casual friend only because my heart is more fragile with you. I am sure that you never intentionally tried to hurt me. You said once that you could never imagine that you could be mad at me for long. I hope that is true.
I never cheated on you. They were guys who wanted to date me but my heart was so full of you. My intentions were always good if not always misplaced. I had every intention of following through with our relationship. It wasn't for a lack of love, I love you but I also had to think about myself and protect myself as well.
I remembered back when I was your age and how scary it was to be in a relationship. I asked myself if it was fair to keep you being that you are so young. You have no point of reference to handle things such as this, it was up to me to be the adult. However, sometimes being an adult is sometimes difficult even for me. Though you can't always blame things on because you are younger. It's significant. You have alot of things you have to resolve with your parents. I always felt that you didn't want me to come to England because of your fear of your parents. I think that fear was greater than how you felt for me which is understandable. What my mistake was Craig, is that I wasn't a person you felt that you could come to. You opened up to me but only enough to show a glimmer of what was inside of you. I am not a hard person, anything you wanted to say I would of understood. I misread our situation a lot because you didn't. I couldn't read your mind so my bad experiences with men won out and I filled in the blanks. Our greatest problem was communication.
We do also have different views on sexual issues. You are open to "open relationships" and other things. I know by experience those things never work. Please do something for me though, be safe Craig. Sex is great but it is also momentary. You are very impulsive. I am glad that you are cause we would never of gotten together but it can also be very dangerous. Despite what has happen to us, I could never bare to hear something happening to you. They are alot of bad men out there who don't think.
I am sad that we might not be friends. I would not be jealous if you found somebody to make you happy. I am sad that I will not know the person you will be. You will be a great guy, you are already. I hope you are so happy in your life.
I will leave this "open ended" and whenever you decide to contact me. I will always greet you with the warmest regard.

Much Love To You Craig,

Rob

and then I got a text message on my cell phone and then this message:
Rob,

I do have to write you that email because I owe it to you.

I was a cunt, I know, and I do need to address that.

I was going to email you properly tonight but I'm not in the right frame of
mind to do it at all.

I've got some pretty heavy stuff going on in my life at the moment and
right now my best friend is a bottle of wine so it's best I reply some
other time.

It may seem like nothing compared to what I put you through but I just
can't at the moment.

Speak Soon,

Craig.

More text messages...he said he would do it Wednesday, almost a week has gone by and still nothing. I am begining to feel like a fool. He seems to put his foot in the door for me not to leave and then close the door on my face. I am so turned off by him at this moment that when that e-mail arrives, it better be good. I am being dicked around. I can feel it.

Let Her Die...Already!

2005-03-27T14:25:00.000-05:00

How many of you are sick and tired of hearing about Terri Shaivo?
Give the woman some morphine and let her die. This circus has to end. Shame on her parents and her husband for letting it spiral out of control like this. Shame on the Bush's/The US Government for butting in on something they shouldn't. It is a family matter afterall.
If I was a vegetable like that. Pull the Plug. I wouldn't want to be a burden on anybody. What is a body without it's soul?

The "EX" Factor

2005-03-26T22:23:00.000-05:00

It seems that the ghost of boyfriend's past has come to haunt me. I was on this chat line and this guy PM me and says he absolutely sure he knows me. Well, he was coy and then told me, it was a guy named Chad who I dated almost 5 years. The same guy who dumped me on ICQ, two days after Christmas. Yeah, lovely to hear from you. You have a boyfriend, how great for you! Well, whatever. He says he misses me and remembers what a great guy I was and that he would like to keep in touch and be friends. Ya, Ya...whatever. I moved on, dude.
Hamish writes to me all the time. He is the boyfriend before Chad. Says we should meet. He misses me. I shed a tear for you man. I really do.
My current former EX...I am losing patience with him in a big way. I am still waiting for that e-mail he promised me.
Why didn't these men appreciate me when they had me?

Some of this and Some of That

2005-03-23T22:30:00.000-05:00

Finally got a new computer so I can update this thing once and awhile.

Terri Shaivo...let her die. She is just a shell without a spirit. Those religious freaks know this and if it was up to nature she would be dead already. Fuck, we treat animals more humanely.

I still believe George W.Bush is the biggest moron in the universe.

Mom is doing fine.

Glad Spring has arrived.

Heard from Craig. I will not say anything about it here until I know the whole story and then you will know.

Looking for a new job.

Lost 18 pounds since December.

Goodbye To You, Goodbye to Everything I knew

2005-03-06T01:51:00.000-05:00

I know it has been a while.
My mom is doing fantastic. Whatever was ailing her seems to have gone away and has the doctors baffled. It made me a nervous wreck. You know parents don't live forever. Appreciate them while you have them. You only get one of them. Love them. Spend time with them. The screwed up things while this was going on is that I thought I couldn't be that lucky that she got better. I had forgotten while this world can be so creul. It can be so kind.
It has been almost 2 months and I never got a reply from Craig. I am not surprised. Craig is a good guy who is just being a dick and it is his proragtive not to respond. Like my friend, Colin says he is basically spitting on your relationship. No matter. I really hope he is happy. I hope he finds somebody to love him as he deserves. I wish him no ill will. Just happiness. I had a great time while it lasted and I will thank him forever for all the great memories he gave me.
Lastly, I have been a rut. I need a change in my life and I just can't see how to change it. I sit in my bed and just cry for no reason. I know things will get better. Spring is around the corner and life renews.

The Date that Never Happened

2005-02-15T09:53:00.000-05:00

Well, this guy messages me on some sort of dating network. His name is David. He says my pictures are cute and he was cute himself. We chatted for about a couple of weeks on the net and phone, so we decided that we meet. I was all excited because he sounded like the type of guy I would totally be interested in. The day before I was supposed to meet him, I showed my friend Eddie his picture and then he goes "How well do you know this guy?" I said, "What do you mean?" "Well, Rob, he's HIV positive. I just want to let you know what you are getting into" That hit me like a ton of bricks. I had this sort of ignorance, sort of naivity that it was out there even though this has happened to me before with Brad. It was a wake up call. You have to be careful. Now, I got this flack from some of my friends saying that you shouldn't judge somebody like that. Hello? this isn't cancer or heart disease where there is hope. There is NO CURE for HIV and AIDS. I have a right to be selfish where it comes to my life. I don't mind being friends but anything else is a dead issue for me.

The January That Was

2005-02-02T08:45:00.000-05:00

January 2005 will go down as one of the worse months personally for me.

My mom is fine. She has a cyst on her ovary which the doctors say is not dangerous but it was contributing to her pain. She also has some problems with her bowels. She has to start eating more fiber which is most important when you reach a certain age. She is going for tests but I believe the worse is past us.
I did write back to Craig and he still hasn't responded which is ok because I frankly don't give a crap anymore. It was over in May but I just couldn't bring myself to accept it. Now I can. I have a date this Friday. Life goes on.

Those Crazy Right-Wing Nuts

2005-01-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

LOS ANGELES, California (Reuters) -- Conservative Christian groups accuse the makers of a video starring SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney and a host of other cartoon characters of promoting homosexuality to children.
The wacky square yellow SpongeBob is one of the stars of a music video due to be sent to 61,000 U.S. schools in March. The makers -- the nonprofit We Are Family Foundation -- say the video is designed to encourage tolerance and diversity.
But at least two Christian activist groups say the innocent cartoon characters are being exploited to promote the acceptance of homosexuality.
"A short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality," wrote Ed Vitagliano in an article for the American Family Association.
The video is a remake of the 1979 hit song "We Are Family" using the voices and images of SpongeBob, Barney, Winnie the Pooh, Bob the Builder, the Rugrats and other TV cartoon characters. It was made by a foundation set up by songwriter Nile Rodgers after the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, in an effort to promote healing.
Christian groups however have taken exception to the tolerance pledge on the foundation's Web site, which asks people to respect the sexual identity of others along with their abilities, beliefs, culture and race.
"Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity" within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary, but it crosses a moral line," James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, said in a statement released Thursday.
Rodgers said he was astounded by the attack.
"That is so myopic and harsh," he told Reuters. "You have really got to look hard to find anything in this that is offensive to anyone. The last thing I am going to do is taint these characters."
Dobson was quoted by the New York Times on Thursday as having singled out the wildly popular SpongeBob during remarks about the video at dinner this week in Washington, D.C.
SpongeBob, who lives in a pineapple under the sea, was "outed" by the U.S. media in 2002 after reports that the TV show and its merchandise are popular with gays. His creator, Stephen Hillenburg, said at the time that though SpongeBob was an oddball, he thought of all the characters in the show as asexual.
It is not the first time that children's TV favorites have come under the critical spotlight of the Christian right. In 1999, the Rev. Jerry Falwell described Tinky Winky, the purse-toting purple Teletubbie, as a gay role model.

Spongebob

Lost In The E-Mail

2005-01-23T00:59:00.000-05:00

Today, I heard from Craig.
Oh ya....him.
He said that he emailed me and hasn't received email from me since the 9th of January.
I see.
Anyhoo, I told him that I am knee deep in crappy things going on around here that I will deal with him at another date.

The Gay Drama Queen

2005-01-19T08:34:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I am a victim of my own drama. I get caught up in my troubles to the point that everybody else doesn't exist. I like to bake when I get upset. I think I made a couple dozen of bran muffins and every type of menu this week for supper.
The thing is when things go wrong that is when my mind works like Einstein. I can see things through every detail. Imagine a gay Einstein though, more emotional....LOL
Still no word from Craig but I was not expecting anything. Who knows? Maybe he is having a very long shit and forgot to check his e-mail? Funny, Rob. More like he is punishing me. You go, Craig! You are really teaching me a lesson. LOL

The Crazy Week that Was

2005-01-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

Well, my mom went to the doctor and nothing happened. The doctor didn't say she was sick, they are still looking into it. So if there was something seriously wrong she would be in the hospital right now or is it a false sense of security. She is still in alot of pain. They're must be something wrong. Is it old age? I am just a nervous wreck, these ups and downs are just making me want to pull out my hair!!
I've been having these horrible dreams about Craig. That I am in his arms and I ask him "Why are you leaving me?" and he says "Because you're wrong" I have another dream that he went out with my friend and betrayed me. Don't get me wrong. It was the right thing to do. I can't believe how selfish he is and how he only thinks about himself.

Putting Things In Perspective

2005-01-16T08:37:00.000-05:00

Well, when things go bad they get worse. After learning that my ex-boyfriend Craig was a selfish jerk. I find out that my mom is more gravely ill that otherwise known. Which sort of cancels out what I was feeling towards Craig. Life is so precious. Putting your energies in someone who doesn't have the time of day for you is just plain stupid.
I am a nervous wreck right now.
I am raising the White Flag to anybody who is in Charge.

Craig and I are...

2005-01-13T21:03:00.000-05:00

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OVER!

Toodles

Not Fade Away

2005-01-12T08:09:00.000-05:00

Day 2: No reply

There is war going on inside of me. My heart is pounding. I can't sleep. I feel like I have just been off drugs for the first time in a while. It hurts like a million bee stings. I'm scared beyond belief. My courage is fading. Still No Tears. The questions, so many unanswered questions.

But I will Not Fade Away. I will not go down in the night. I will rise again.

Broken Glass

2005-01-11T08:56:00.000-05:00

I find myself on the abyss. My relationship with Craig will either go on or end depending on what he does. I heard from Craig once in 3 weeks. This Saturday I sent him a text message. Sunday I sent him an email asking him how he was, if he could write a few words and yesterday I wrote this :

I just don't know what to do anymore, Craig.

I am trying to find the right words....but I will send it back to you.

Craig.

Do you want to be in a relationship with me?

and/or

Do you really want me to visit you in May?

I can't go on being in love with a Ghost. I know you are busy and have
lots of stress. I have myself lots of stress and my mom is very ill.
It only takes 5 seconds to write something to make somebody feel
better.

If you want to end it all, then don't answer. I don't need to be
dangled. I am worth much more than that.

Rob

Atleast I will know. I can't change him but I can change myself. As long as his parents are his "moneybags", I know my worth. As long as they take him here and there and everywhere I will be the loser. Hell, I am only spending 3000 dollars to see him, I mean that is not alot. I am SO furious.

Closer and Far Away

2005-01-08T19:20:00.000-05:00

For some reason, as I was feeling low about Craig, somebody came around and reminded me why I do love him :)

Is it a sign?

Poutine: you know i shouldn't tell you this- and i don't
know if craig told you already ....
[10:06:34 AM] Poutine: but...
[10:07:28 AM] Poutine: craig said that when he got back to uni and
first went out with his friends he heard a song which
reminded him of you and then started crying cos he
realised it was the first time he was going out without
you!
[10:07:31 AM] Poutine: soooo cute!
[10:08:32 AM] * Poutine is now Away (idle)
[10:09:05 AM] Robert: yes, that is cute Sofia....ofcourse, I 've done
the same....wish sometimes he would open up to me...lol
[10:09:09 AM] Robert: damn men!
[10:09:21 AM] * Poutine is now Online
[10:09:28 AM] Poutine: I KNOW what is with them!
[10:10:29 AM] Poutine: but seeing as i know what men are like i
thought i'd tell you that to cheer you up. He does
really miss you and when he came to see us he was always
talking about you and .. 'Rob said this... and Rob did
that ... i miss Rob...' and so on
[10:10:41 AM] Poutine: lol
[10:10:42 AM] Robert: LOL
[10:10:52 AM] Robert: but to me he gives a different impression
[10:11:17 AM] Poutine: yeah but you know what he's like- don't be
fooled by his tough exterior
[10:11:23 AM] Robert: more like "oh, who cares?"
[10:11:25 AM] Robert: LOL
[10:11:47 AM] Poutine: well he's still talking about going back to
Montreal after uni to live there
[10:12:03 AM] Poutine: and i doubt its just the city hes interested
in
[10:12:06 AM] Robert: I know. Like my friends were horrified because
he said take a bus to his place and not meet me there.
[10:12:51 AM] Poutine: well that is a bit mean but that so typical of
craig- i think the thing with him is that you have to
spell it out to him- like most men- or they just dont
get it
[10:13:07 AM] Poutine: lol

Once More With Feeling!

2005-01-08T19:12:00.000-05:00

You see it's my dad's fault. I was an admitted dorky 14 year old, full of life, the clown of the school and an eternal optimist. You see my dad had a heartattack and as he was rushed to the hospital, I was optimistic that he would recover. He didn't and every since that moment, I always expected the worst.
I've had a couple of relationships end because I expected that bad things would happen so I put this big wall in front of me, waiting to be disappointed.
I think the things that happen in your childhood is always present with you no matter what age you are. This is the one demon that I have yet to exorcise.
The good news is that my mom will be just fine but ofcourse I expected the worst. I think for now on I will be just ambivalent in my judgments and just wait to see what happens :)

Am I a downer or what?

2005-01-03T19:18:00.000-05:00

Sheesh, I am reading my past blogs and man oh man do I sound like a suicidal nut!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly, I am a fun loving and undepressed kind of person. I just get out my bad vibes here.
Lots of great things about life. Eating great food, meeting great people, sex(though it has been a REALLY, REALLY DRY SPELL!!!), making religious people go nuts, seeing beauty where people don't generally see it, making fun of Anne(Oh did I get her today!)

Sigh Life Is Wonderful 60% of the time. It's the 40% that is the bitch.

2004: The Year That Was

2005-01-01T17:17:00.000-05:00

2004 was truly a mixed bag for me. It had the greatest of highs and the lowest of lows. I call 2004 the year of "recuperation". It started off wonderfully. I had a boyfriend that I loved, my family was intact and my health was ok. It was downhill since then. Craig, what more can I say about him? He gave me some great moments this year and bad. I mean my goodbye to him at the airport was gutwrenching. I still don't know where we stand. If I should fight the good fight or just plain give-up. Hopefully, that answer will be revealed this year.
Health was also a concern. My mom has been detorating. I really never noticed my mom getting old but she looks the part now. It scares me alot. My health hasn't been the greatest. Mentally, I was in 2 deep depressions this year. I feel like when I get high there is always something to knock me now. Why is it so hard to find that "place" where you can find happiness? Why can't things run smoothly for a change? I know hard times you find out what type of person you are but I am ready not to find out anything else and be a very boring person. Sometimes I feel like if I can avoid any human contact and just be by myself and feel no pain, see no one get hurt and not hear some more bad news. I am ready for some good news. A sunrise with no end. My piece of heaven.
So Goodbye 2004...you were the greatest "tease" and the biggest "bitch". Hopefully 2005 will be a whole lot better :)

A Moment of Silence

2004-12-29T17:46:00.000-05:00

I just want to convey in my own little way my sympathies to the tragegy in the Pacific. What a great loss of life. It's incomprehensable.
It goes to show you, we could have great wars, murders but Mother Nature is truly the biggest bitch of all.

Testing Testing

2004-12-28T20:02:00.000-05:00

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

2004-12-28T19:21:00.000-05:00

INSTRUCTIONS: Copy this whole list into your journal. Bold the things that are true about you. Whatever you don't bold is false. (I got this from someone else's blog)

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days03. I love crab
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses (I need to wear my glasses but I usually don't.)
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've had sex with the samesex
10. Question also deleted ( you don't need to know all my business)
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I think the president is "dumber than a bag or rocks."
15. I curse frequently (only sometimes after drinking)
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
17. I have hobbies8. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times (I'm paranoid most of the time)
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free26. I need money right now
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look (usually)
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to cornrow
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized44. I think Charles Woodson is hot (who is he?)
45. I have cheated on a Sig. O. in the past
46. I have a hidden talent (wouldn't u like 2 know what it is "evil laugh" )47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants (yep, it allows more room for my food binges)
53. I love to shop54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I love my job.
58. I think OJ did it.
59. I think I have a nice singing voice.
60. I voted for Bush.
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything.
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party
84. I have made a move on a friend's Sig. O. in the pas
t85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be online
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can ( Y & R, Bold & the Beautiful, ATWT, Guiding Light )
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all (his music)
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

Sketchy

2004-12-28T19:04:00.000-05:00

You are 53% Sketchy

How sketchy are you?

My Hopes for 2005

2004-12-28T16:37:00.000-05:00

1. The resolution of Craig and Me. Once and for all, I want to know where we are going. If he doesn't give me something to hold on to except for excuses then I am walking. I want somebody who atleast thinks of me as much as I think of them. I don't want to be the only one to light the fires. He has to resolve his "parent" problem because his insecurities about it is ruining our relationship. As my mom said "Your life has been put on hold, do you think he is doing the same thing?"

2. A Job that is worthy of me. I am just sick of the job of have. I need to find something that I am passionate about and go with it.

3. To make more time for my friends. I have been terrible the past couple of months. I've been anti-social and just don't find the time for the friends that do want to see me. It is important to do that.

Crazy for Love

2004-12-28T09:36:00.000-05:00

One thing I promised when I opened up this blog is that it wasn't going to become a place where I vent about Craig. Right now there are things of "concern" that I wish to discuss with him. Before I make that trek to England, I got to make sure that it is in the best interest for me and Craig.
I don't want to be the fool anymore. I broke up with him so he can be free and came back to him because it seemed like the right thing to do. If he doesn't share the same feelings for me as he once did that is OK. I just want some honesty, that's all. This feeling gnawing at me isn't going away. If Craig doesn't smarten up, he will lose me once and for all.

Gifts to People that are Free

2004-12-25T13:50:00.000-05:00

I have a list of things that I would like to give to people that are free:

CRAIG: I would love to give the skill of "ROMANCE". My boyfriend is not the most romantic person in the world. I am not sure why that is? I don't inspire him to be so. He is too lazy or maybe he is just clueless. Take yesterday for example I tell him how much I am looking forward to seeing him and he replies by saying "Oh he feels like it is so far away" and some other shit like that. I would of loved him to say "Rob, I am counting the days and I am so looking forward to it as well" I would of loved to send him a gift but why bother? He doesn't. Oh and I am STILL waiting for my birthday gift.

MY MOM: I would like to give the gift of "HEALTH". It frightens me to see my mom deterorating of late. She was a strong woman all her life and now she looks frail. She just hasn't been herself lately.

MONIQUE: I would like to give her the gift of "LOVE" My friend Monique is the nicest woman ever. She is the type of friend that somebody would die to have. I wish Monique to find a boyfriend that will love her. She is so deserving.

MY SISTER ANNE: I would like to give her to gift of "RESTRAINT". My sister is a great gal however with money she goes overboard. I want her to save her money and get only the things that she needs.

Merry Christmas ALL. Hope you get all you want!

This Job is driving me insane!

2004-12-22T21:27:00.000-05:00

I HATE my job. I don't mean a little BUT alot! They are just lazy fuckers who work there and I end up doing all the fucken work.
I know I can't look for another at this point because I want my vacation to see Craig in May BUT after that I am sooooo looking for another one!

Letter from the Past

2004-12-22T09:38:00.000-05:00

I wish I had more of these emails that were full of passion and promise :) From November 17th, 2003

You, Robert E, are an enormous bastard!

Do you want to know why?

Because you made me so happy I'm crying dammit!

Why? Your bloody diary entry!

Those have to be the nicest comments anyone has ever made about me,
everytime I even start to think about it I cry.

You're a wonderful, gentle, caring guy and I'm glad more than ever
since I
met you that I came to Montréal - I knew it was going to be a new life
experience but not as (I can't think of a word to describe it, there
are
too many and yet not a single one that comes anywhere close to it) as
it
has been. I know that whatever happens in my life in the future, I will
never forget my first (and definitely not the last) time here in this
wonderful city.

It feels bizarre though reading your diary now, it's like feeding
information into the computer and seeing its processed translation of
the
input (It sorta feels not right for some reason, my morals are entering
in
again). I think it will feel even more bizarre if I carry on reading it
so
I guess I'll stop - why read words when the real person is right here
:-)

It's somehow got to 5:50am already (I've been doing coursework, got a
bit
absorbed in it) and I guess I should get some sleep now before my big
weekend. I'll dream pleasant dreams of you,

Love Craig xxx

Missing Craig like Crazy

2004-12-19T21:48:00.000-05:00

I wish I could of spent the Holiday Season with Craig. I miss him. It makes me all weepy. I just find this time of year miserable and being away from the person you love just makes it even worse.

Manners and the 4am Taxi Ride

2004-12-19T21:40:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my friend Colin's birthday. Well, I arrived early after seeing the movie "Spanglish". I hadn't had supper so Colin suggested that I could go to Tim Horton's in the village. So when he arrived with Sean, he said he was hungry and wanted to eat Chineese. So I went there after eating at Tim Horton's spent another 15 bucks and food I hardly touched. Then we went to "The Drustore" and played pool. Spent too much money again. Then to a Drag Queen place and then a strip bar then to the Stud where Sean ran into his ex. Then Colin decided that he was hungry again and then we went to "Club Sandwich" inwhich somehow Colin's ex Augustine made an appearance at 330am!!! I was supposed to have gotten a ride back with Colin's other ex who is a taxi driver but at the end of the evening Colin said he was going with Augustine gave me 15 bucks and left with the sleazoid. Sean and I were agast. You know it was Colin's birthday and it was his night for the chosing but it was just plain rude to leave your friends in the lurch because he has a booty call. Colin is a nice guy but I wasn't the happiest when that happened. Everybody sometimes can have bad judgement but he(Augustine) was flirting with Sean and just being an asshole towards Colin. I spent 50 bucks on a taxi plus the 80 dollars during the evening. It was just a night of excess. Excess around this time of year is just something I can't afford.

The Inner Bitch in Me

2004-12-14T23:49:00.000-05:00

I am just finding it hard these days to be civil to the general population of this world. People either irratate me with their stupidity or just irratate me with their ignorance. Bible people freak me in a BIG way. They could all go fuck themselves and perhaps maybe they should buy a dildo and stick it up their ass because some of them need a good fuck. Some co-workers need a personality change or maybe a razor(not to slit their wrist but their moustache! LOL)
Nevermind people I love everybody. The Christmas season just brings out the inner bitch in me. LOL

The Inner Bitch in Me

2004-12-14T23:48:00.000-05:00

Come What May

2004-12-13T18:28:00.000-05:00

A friend last week was horrified when I told him Craig might not pick me up at the airport when I meet him in May. He said "I would even do it that for a friend" He is right. When it comes to simple courtesies Craig sucks in that department. Rather than defend Craig and make it look like I am making excuses for him, I just shrug it off and hope for the best.
Craig is not perfect. Hell, who is? If I didn't know what was in Craig's heart I wouldn't be with him.
This May will be telling. I am not saying that it is a relationship breaker. It is just that I will know a bit more where I stand with him while I am there.
I know that there is alot of love in Craig's heart and there is alot of fear. Fear of growing up. Fear of being rejected by his parents. Fear of looking at himself in the mirror.
When things get rough it is easy to say "See you later" but the brave thing to do is to see it out. I know in my heart it will be OK. Such absolutions are rare in this chaotic world.

God Will Punish Canada for Ruling Part 2

2004-12-13T18:14:00.000-05:00

This was my response to that letter:

In response to the enlightened Mister Hoyer, I would also like to add that Tinky Winky will be at his street corner this week so perhaps maybe he should keep his children home for their safety. You never know what they will catch these days?

Robert E
Montreal, Quebec

God Will Punish Canada for Ruling

2004-12-11T17:24:00.000-05:00

Here I was so happy that the Canadian Supreme Court said that the government should approve same sex marriages. Then I read this bit or shit from "Letter to the Montreal Gazette"

God Will Punish Canada for Ruling

In it's Ruling on same-sex marriage, the Supreme Court seems concerned with "the rights" of all people. But that is the wrong starting point.

If everybody claims his "rights" and nobody performs any "responsibilites," where will this land us?

Pretty soon we'll be talking about the rights of criminals, murderers, pedophiles and all other people who break God's law.

Doesn't the Charter of Rights make reference to God?

If our starting point is God, then we must consult his book, the Bibble, which condemns homosexual acts.

So I guess that Canada is now anathema, condemned by God.

We should not expect God's blessing anymore.

The curse of HIV/AIDS, venereal disease, murder and other curses will be visited upon this land formely blessed by God.

Ed Hoyer

Roxboro, Quebec

I was so pissed when I read this that I wanted to brake somebody's nose. It is scary that they are actually idiots like this in this world. I am writing a reply to this sick piece of shit letter that somebody wrote. Fuck Religion.

If you are interested you can also write a letter to the editor in response to this asshole...

the email address is letters@thegazette.canwest.com You must write your full name, address and daytime phone number.

I found my raison d'etre in life. It is to put a stop to these bible thumpers.

The Year Ahead

2004-12-08T10:31:00.000-05:00

I never make New Years Resolutions because I always break them. I just make one small goal and then try to make it happen. This year was to make my money situation better and I have. I have been in control of my credit cards and saving.
2005 I am making a goal of better health. Heart disease is rampant in my family so I try to eat properly and get some exercise.

Bah Humbug!

2004-12-07T18:32:00.000-05:00

Every passing year Christmas to me has become a drag. I hate putting up the Christmas tree. Christmas music sucks. Buying gifts just feels like a waste because they forget about it 3 months later.
I'm feeling like Scrooge. Cheap and Indifferent to my fellow man. Christmas is supposed to be giving. More like giving to Visa, Master Card and American Express. Why do we spend so much money only to make us pay(literally) for it months and sometimes years later? Christmas to me is about family. I don't need anything. I am happy what I have. Give me a great Christmas dinner to presents that I don't need.

I think I am going to be visited by 3 Ghosts this year. LOL

Go Canadian!

2004-12-07T11:42:00.000-05:00

By LESLIE HOFFMAN, Associated Press Writer

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - Planning a European vacation and don't want to talk American politics with an inquisitive foreigner? A New Mexico T-shirt company suggests going Canadian.

For $24.95, T-shirtKing.com offers the "Go Canadian" package, full of just the kind of things an American traveler can use to keep a vacation free of U.S. politics.

There's a Canadian flag T-shirt, a Canadian flag lapel pin and a Canadian patch for luggage or a backpack. There's also a quick reference guide — "How to Speak Canadian, Eh?" — on answering questions about Canada.

It is the brainchild of employees at the Mountainair, N.M.-based company known for comical T-shirts it sells worldwide on the Internet.

"It's not meant as a slight against the United States or Canada," explained T-shirtKing.com President Bill Broadbent. "It was meant as something Republicans could give their Democrat friends to say 'C'est la vie.' ... But maybe not c'est la vie because that's a French word."

This isn't the first time the company has poked fun at politics. They held a political slogan T-shirt contest for the election. Among the favorites: "Might as well vote Republican, because they'll say you did anyway."

The "Go Canadian" idea emerged while Broadbent and several co-workers were chatting about a possible product to fill the gap between the end of their political slogan contest and another contest they plan for January.

One of Broadbent's colleagues had heard of someone harassed about U.S. politics during a recent overseas trip.

Some people might not mind, but others "just want to be on vacation," Broadbent said. "So we were joking that they could just go as Canadians, and that just kind of evolved."

The package went up on T-shirtKing.com's Web site Nov. 12 and the company sold a couple hundred — in New Mexico and elsewhere — in the first two weeks or so.

When lifelong Democrat Dani Delaney saw the package, she was immediately sold. After the general election, she said, "if I could move to Canada, I would."

"I admire their liberal, progressive stand on things," said the 57-year-old writing instructor at the University of New Mexico. "And I thought, 'Well, that's a good way to peacefully protest.'"

Sylvia Dawson's boyfriend has been joking with the Ontario native that she needs to find him a Canadian flag for an upcoming trip to Spain. That's after his daughter, who is studying there, warned that he might be questioned about politics.

So the 45-year-old Bernalillo resident bought a package.

"I said, 'What are you going to do if someone asks you about the prime minister of Canada?' And he said, 'I'll study up,'" Dawson

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words :)

2004-12-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

This is Craig and my nephew acting silly. lol

Posted by Hello

Still The One

2004-12-06T22:10:00.000-05:00

That crazy Shania Twain's song. I've listened to it a million times and a million times I thought of Craig. I normally don't believe in long distance relationships but being in one it sort of changes your perspective.
I love Craig. We broke up in June only because I thought it was the best. I wanted us both to live without the burden of living up to something that might not be. A funny thing happened along the way. My feelings for Craig actually grew during that period. Any guy I looked at, any guy who looked at me couldn't compare to what I had with Craig. Craig is my other half.
Can you imagine being so in love with someone and that one day whoops it was ripped away? I'd rather fight for it than just let it slip away. I want to know how far we would go without any time limits.
I'm not saying that there are no obstacles. God, we have a lot. I just know that this is something I have to do.

Creation

2004-12-05T10:45:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered where we came from? Was it Adam or Eve? ormicrobes? space aliens?
If you were to believe the bible we were created in God's Image and thrown out of paradise because some chick decided that apples were tasty. Must of been a MacIntosh Apple. The theory of evolution would have us to believe that we were the decendants of monkeys. I do have some banana cravings sometimes so I guess I can blame it on the monkey in me, I suppose. Space Aliens? Crazy Idea, you may think. I do believe that there was a species on Earth that was so much advanced than us that they just left. How do explain the million of years of unrecorded time? How do you explain the Pyramids? There has been tales of advanced cultures on Earth. The Greek Gods or The City of Atlantis.
I believe that there was an advanced culture on this Earth. These people created fables for the lesser advanced humans. Morality was an issue then. So then came the bible. It was created to bring order to people who had no morals. To keep them in check with retrubution and create a place where all people would want to go when they die if they were good people. Without the bible, mankind would be in chaos. We are not advanced enough to believe in ourselves and know that we can be the good people that the bible intended us to be.
What happened to this advanced culture? They died? Went to Vulcan? Who can say but I think it makes sense in a way.
Sounds crazy? Perhaps but think about it. Maybe it is not so crazy afterall.

The Quebec Thing

2004-12-04T17:39:00.000-05:00

I live in a wonderful part of the country. The province of Quebec. Quebec has the European flair without being there. It has culture, style and amazing people. You can never get bored here.
The Politics of Quebec are never boring as well. We have a separtist party called the Parti Quebecois where it's sole goal is the make Quebec separate from Canada. We've had two referendums on the matter, both have failed. The PQ is a left leaning party with solid union workers behind them. We have the Liberal party who is presently in power. The Liberals these days seem more conservative than Liberal. Alot of people are pissed at them because they had the difficult task of getting Quebec back in the green because the PQ basically bowed down to the Unions and made Quebec lose money left and right. Quebec has too many people on welfare. I am Liberal minded but I find that having some right wing thoughts do help. If you expect the government to bail you out of everything then people get lazy. Why work? Why make the extra effort? Quebec moans that they are the highest taxed people in North America but if there was also a different mindset thinking that the government owes them everything maybe the taxes would be lowered. The Liberals have a thankless task to get over this mindset. The problem in Quebec is not separation, the french, the english but citizens who don't help themselves.

Canada Sucks

2004-12-01T09:41:00.000-05:00

Well, I am seeing that from Americans all over the internet. I am not surprised. They expected us to roll out the red carpet and instead we shit on their president. If they think that we're bad just wait for the reception in Europe. Why are they surprised? Get this straight, it is the policies of America that Canada doesn't like not the people, not the culture and hell not even their tv!

Get over it!

Mr. Bush comes to Ottawa

2004-11-30T20:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I must say laughing at the president joke about the five finger salute today at a press conference with Prime Minister Martin. I am all for Protests. It is what free speach is all about. I, however, do not like it when protesters get violent. It sort of kills the message that they want to convey.
Canada, I find is finding it's footing these past years. Pierre Trudeau's vision of a "just" society is atlast becoming part of what Canada is all about. We have alot to be proud of. We're tolerant. We know that peace is the way to go. Americans have it harder than us. They are expected to be the best and the biggest. They "supersize" their food, they make the biggest movies, big guns... They have a bulleye on the forehead. Little Canadians know about our world. Americans can't look beyond their borders, why should they? They think they are the best because they were taught that ever since they were kids. Many countries are envious.
Canada is the country it is today because of America. Thank goodness we havethem under us. Imagine if North Korea, Iran or Iraq was next to us. We may not like their policies, their presidents or their food. What America does for us is to remind us how lucky we are to be the people we are.

The Nuts In My Family Part 2

2004-11-30T19:38:00.000-05:00

The Crazy Canuck!!!

Well, my niece is going to get an abortion. It is for the best. Just what we need more fucked up kids in the society. Have children because you want them. Have children because you have something to give. Have children for all the right reasons...

Fan Mail

2004-11-29T23:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I knew this day would come. I had my first fagbashing email. "It" even sent me a link http://www.dontwanttobegay.com to find Jesus. I would say that was one of the funniest websites I ever read. lol
Those Jesus Wheezers, you just got to love them!

No Energy, No Drive, No Emission

2004-11-28T19:02:00.000-05:00

I feel right now like a beat up old truck. I am constantly tired. I have no desire to do anything. It takes all my energy just to see my friends. I am not sure if it is the time of year or I am just getting old. I just hate wasting a day doing nothing. I want to do so many things and I end up sleeping or wasting time. Need a change of scenery for sure!

SAD

2004-11-23T16:52:00.000-05:00

http://www.lighttherapyproducts.com/sadinfo.html

It's called SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have it. It begins in late August and it is now in it's full glory just until April or so. Read the above link maybe it can help you.

The Nuts In My Family

2004-11-23T11:55:00.000-05:00

I am literally disgusted right now.
I will give a little backstory on this sad endless affair. Thirty years ago my brother had sex with this woman who was nuts. She got pregnant. She had a few boyfriends and the child's blood was Zero Positive like my brother so he took responsibilty for the child. They got married and had another child named Angela. Nutty woman would go out for the night while my brother would be working the night shift and left her 2 year old and 10 month old alone. Brother found out and took away the children. Took children to Mom. My mom helped bring them up. It was later found out that child number one wasn't really my brother's child but nevertheless he accepted her as his child.
Children in their teens went nutty. Stealed, ran away from home, became thugs. Angela, child number two became pregnant at 17. Father was deported. Angela becomes pregnant with child number 2, father abandoned her. Angela has child number 3 gives child number 1 and 2 to my sister. Has child number 4, father abused Angela and moves in with my sister. She moves out. Gets involved with another guy and whoops is now pregnant with child number 5. She doesn't want to be involved with the guy now and wants to give the baby to my sister. Sister being the martyr she is probably will accept.
I am SOOOO disgusted. This girl should have her tubes tied. She never takes responsibilty for her actions because my sister always bails her out.
I have some winners in my family.

It's the End of The World As We Know It....and I feel Fine!

2004-11-23T01:38:00.000-05:00

What is wrong with people these days? Everybody is either overly sensitive, in a bad mood or sick. At work, I've seen people literally yell at each other for nothing more than somebody taking more sugar at the coffee machine. I had a few heated exchanges with some bible thumpers lately. One of my friends dumped his boyfriend because he didn't flush the toilet. Craig seems distant again and not feeling well. NBA stars are acting crazy...
Is it me or is this world going bonkers?

Would you be afraid of this woman?

2004-11-21T18:26:00.000-05:00

Posted by Hello

Read this news article first:
http://www.canada.com/news/national/story.html?id=679d5f15-6f3d-4e27-99e8-f4f87071edc8

I, in no way, have any good feelings towards George W. Bush. However, as much as I sympathize with Ms.Parrish. Two wrongs don't make a right. In this time of division, somebody has to have some common sense and it may as well be the good guys.

Dear President Bush

2004-11-21T13:34:00.000-05:00

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements in God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus =5:2.clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there degrees of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though Lev. 19 expressly forbids this. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Politics and The United States

2004-11-21T11:34:00.000-05:00

I sometimes post at a website and basically the only rule there is not to post things about Politics. This guy who comes from England posts something called a "morality test" It is George W.Bush who is being swept away by a river current....well the morality test isn't whether you would save him(because you can't) but would you take black and white pictures or colour...the guy is getting flack by Bush supporters because they are so sensitive. They said this is disrespectful to the president, Bush had the "last laugh", he won the election .... I think these are the same people who made a Lewinsky joke about President Clinton .... Anyhow, it is far too soon from the election, everybody is smarting from it. Dark Humour is always the hardest to convey anyhow. You know when you can't laugh at your own country then there is something wrong. I find Canadians have more common values with Europe than we do with the US. The US is becoming an entity all in it's own. They think that because they are the policeman to the world they can spread their "morality" to it as well. I just don't understand the United States of America no more. It used to be a place I recognize but now it just hurts to know that they are destroying themselves. I wish they would take a step back and see what the world knows. They don't care, I know.
I just wish we would stop labeling each other. Be the human race. Be people who don't always share the same values and thoughts and beliefs. To have respect for each other. The biggest thing in this world we should all share is to be good to each other...have fun while we are on this beautiful planet called Earth...I am not religious but my "faith" is to be kind, generous and the best human being possible. I am not perfect but I try to make myself better. To Learn. To Hope. Always to Hope for a better day for myself and my fellow man.

Fear

2004-11-19T09:51:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I have this fear that Craig will find somebody in England and dump me. I know I will be ok and be loyal in that respect towards him. You know your mind sometimes plays tricks with you and sometimes you expect the worse. I will have faith. I will trust that the future will be bright. I cannot control the his future. I can only control mine.
Craig was wonderful on my Birthday. He did everything he could for somebody being overseas and I totally appreciate it and love him for it, too.

Anybody Out There?

2004-11-19T09:48:00.000-05:00

Just checking....post a comment here....tell me if anybody is out there? LOL
This is shameless, I know.

Clowning Around

2004-11-17T01:24:00.000-05:00

This is just too funny not to write in here. My friend Sean met this guy online and they were talking and he found out that his sexual fetish is being a clown
check out his website http://ms1.ca/slapguys/slapsco/inabt.htm Hide the rubber chickens!!! LOL

2004-11-16T19:50:00.000-05:00

another picture of me

Posted by Hello

2004-11-16T19:46:00.000-05:00

Love this picture of my mom and my nieces and nephews

Posted by Hello

Being Positive

2004-11-16T16:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, somebody at work said to me that I seem to be more positive these days.Is work? Is it Craig? Is it life? I just have this feeling that this year will be an incredible year full surprises, fun and everything great.

One Year Ago Today.....

2004-11-16T10:33:00.000-05:00

It was one year ago today that Craig and I became more than just friends. What a year it has been. Let's hope the years ahead of us will be kind to us:)

Poutine

2004-11-15T18:23:00.000-05:00

Poutine

Posted by Hello

Poutine is a Quebec Invention. Like Smoke Meat before it, Poutine is about the most fattening food you can eat. Eat it at a minimum. Craig loves it. I am pretty much indifferent. For some reason, I am not big on french fries. I know, I am weird! LOL

2004-11-15T18:16:00.000-05:00

This is my mug shot! LOL I am sure you wondered what I looked like.

Posted by Hello

2004-11-15T17:46:00.000-05:00

This is my cat Tommy. Do you know of any gay man without their beloved cat?

Posted by Hello

Getting Political

2004-11-15T16:47:00.000-05:00

http://www.sorryeverybody.com

This is a new website that is causing such commotion on the net. I believe the creators of this website has their hearts in the right place but I am a FIRM believer into never being an apologist for your country. You can criticize it, laugh at it, bitch about it but I think you should never be sorry for your country. It's a pride thing.

Losing My Religion

2004-11-15T16:21:00.000-05:00

When you turn on the news all you see is wars here and wars there. The United States now is more Jesusland than ever before. The middle east is having wars in the name of God. I am thinking, if religion is such a good thing....why do so many people have wars because of it? If they really practiced what they preached people would be living together in harmony rather than blowing their brains off.
I had a run in with an Evangelical Christian. She butted in while me and a co-worker were talking about the US election and how I wanted John Kerry to win. She said "He's Godless" I replied "Excuse Me?" "John Kerry is for abortion and for gay marriage, marriage should be between a man and a woman" (Obviously she doesn't mind that Britney Spears can get married and make a mockery out of it) So I did what any gay man would do "Lady, I am agnostic and I am gay" She pulled back "You're Gay?" as if I was some sort of leech. "Yes, ma'am, I am gay" Then she said something that I make me want to barf "Then I will pray for you" I laughed and not to make the situation worse. I left. I couldn't believe the gall of this woman. She obviously thinks she is better than me. People like her make me sick. If that is what I have to be to get into Heaven. Closed Minded and Judgemental. Lucifer can have me.

Lost!

2004-11-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

I am addicted to the show "Lost"! Each show leads to something bigger. The characters are intriguing. The action is exhilarating. The hour passes so fast. Yep, Wednesdays is my Lost night....

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

2004-11-14T21:15:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful 34th birthday. I went to see REM in concert on Friday, excellent show! Yesterday, I went out with a bunch of friends to drink at Clydes. Although, it was a great time, the person who I love was not there. Craig who was a student in Montreal last year went back home to finish off university back in England in May. In the past 6 months, it was hell and at one point I broke off with him because I thought it would be best for him. Although now I know that was a wrong move, two is stronger than one and when he is back in Montreal with me I know this sacrifice will be all worth it. I am going to visit him in May and I am excited about that. It is something to look forward to.